So todays adventure...  I was sitting in my living room and felt a migraine coming on.  Yesterday I had gone to my girlfriends house and put the meds in my car "just in case" as I always do.  Only I forgot to bring them back in the house.  So remembering they were in the car I got up to go get them.  Due to a past history, I have a habit of locking my door whenever I pass it.  Today was no exception.  For some reason (another habit?) I pulled the door shut behind me.  GREAT!!! I just locked myself out of the house.  (For those of you who don't know, I went through a period of time where I would constantly lock myself out of my house or car on about a twice weekly basis.)  Because I was just going to the car, and I had hit the unlock button from inside the house, I did not have anything on me.  No phone, no keys, not even shoes.

So I go next door to the neighbors house and use their phone.  I call my mom who has a spare key and lives around the corner from me.  And who is nowhere near our home.  She tells me she is on her way home, but my mom has her own time that we call Mom Time.  This is to say, what ever time she tells you, add 2-4 hours to it.  So if she says, "I'll be home in a few," she really means she will be home in 2 hours.  So then I call the girlfriend whose house I had been at the day before, who also has a key, to find out she is in the middle of walking in a parade.  Wonderful!  I would like to take this time to say, the girlfriend had her phone shut off.  A neighbor gave her a prepaid cell phone to use, but since I left my phone in my locked house I didn't have the number.  I did, however, write it down and thankfully left it laying face-up in the front of my car.  When I hit the unlock button inside the house it did NOT unlock the car, so I had no way to get into that either, but I could see the phone number through the window.  Unfortunatly I had to memorize it quickly so I could call it.  I did in fact remember by the time I got to the neighbors, but it turned out to be pointless since she was in a parade.  Damn Boy Scouts!  Screwing up my rescue.

Anyway, with what was turning out to be a long wait ahead of me, I decided to turn into a cat burgler and break into my house.  I always come up with the best ideas, don't I?

So here was my idea:

Pull the broken air conditioner out of my daughters window, climb through, and unlock my door.  Sounds easy enough.

Here's what ACTUALLY happened:

  Since my daughter's window is about 8 feet off the ground, and I'm only 5'5", I got one of my lawn chairs and placed it next to/under the window.  I then tried for about 10 minutes to wriggle the air conditioner out.  Once I had it where it was balancing between the window ledge and my hands it occured to me that I myself was balance on a friggin lawn chair.  Did I mention the air conditioner is about 30 years old and ways a kagillion pounds?!?  Yeah.  So my only chance of survival at this point was to let the air conditioner fall (it was broken anyway) and jump back off the chair at the same time.  Somehow I lived (I never thought this would put my life in danger) but not without ripping the brackets, that hold the air conditioner up, off the house to where they decided to swing at my head.  Bob and weave!  (At this point I hear giggling coming from somewhere and have no doubt they are aimed at me.) 

So I once again climb onto my lawn chair (since the air conditioner is safely on the ground) and realize...I'm still too short.  I'm gonna have to jump.  Jumping in the past has not always gone well for me.  This time was no exception.  So I grab the window ledge and jump up, pulling myself into the window at the same time.  About half-way through the window it occurs to me that the window is about 4 feet off the ground on the inside.  My momentume would not allow for slowing down or stopping.  Needless to say I cut my finger, bashed my already bad knee, scraped both of my calfs, put knots into the muscles of my calfs from the bump-bump-bump thing they did going over the ledge, hit my ankle, and damaged my pride.  I think it was the last one that hurt the most.

Needless to say, I got in my house.  But I couldn't help think, "I bet cat-burglers don't have these problems.  I need to know more cat-burglers.  Or become one."  Sounds like another plan unfolding.  What could go wrong?

Leave a Reply.