I missed posting this weeks saturday post. Sorry about that. I was busy having a nervous breakdown combined wth a massive case of panic attack. Had to worry about getting myself better before I could worry about posting on my blog.
Friday just started out bad. I didn't quite know it when I woke up, but I had said (during lunch) that my anxiety level was rather high. I mistakenly thought it was from driving in a city where you MUST do at least 20 over the posted speed limit or get a car up your ass-end. I was wrong.
By friday night I was a mass of blubbering blather. By early-early saturday morning I was snapping at DJ in-between hysterical crying jags. By saturday morning...I was broken.
What started it? I'm guessing the fact that I woke up and figured out the day ended in y. That's really the best reason I can come up with. As I said, I thought it was my paranoia of driving rearing it's ugly head. I didn't realize until it was too late that it had been going on all day. I didn't ever remember commenting on my anxiety until tonight (monday). Sometimes that's just how it happens though. Nothing more than waking up in the morning. I'm still not over the funk, but at least the panic attack part is over and I'm functioning again. That doesn't mean that I'm out of the woods as far as the panick attack part is concerned, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I do have to say something here though. I give DJ (the boyfriend for those of you who don't know who he is) a LOT of credit. He is definately a trooper for putting up with/dealing with my crazy ass. Especially since I tend to blame him for a lot of crap when I get like that/this. Some of it really is his fault and some of it really isn't. Eaither way, he trys his ass off to make me feel better. Even when I COMPLETELY confuse him and tell him 2 or 5 different things.
Anyway, there is a positive note! Apparently all that assassin training from when I was younger paid off because I am stelthy like ninja when depressed and having a panic attack. Several times between friday and today I have snuck in and out of rooms (and the house) without anyone knowing. I appeared and disappeared and 3/4 of the time no one even knew where I was. A few times I showed up behind one of the ppl here and scared the tar out of em. Now that I think of it, ppl not knowing where I am while depressed could be bad. Very bad. Aww man, I see a teather in my future.
Next ninja lesson to learn: how to escape a teather.
Thank you for understanding about the late post. I promise this weeks post will be on time, reguardless of my state of mind! (That's what extra admins are for! :D)
On December 1st I posted a, well, post about depression. Hold that thought...I am going to come back to it. Please keep reading and bare with me.
I have an analytics reporter on this blog. I can look up how many times my blog was viewed on a certain day. I can also look up how many individual ppl viewed it (opposed to one person viewing multiple times). On the day I posted about depression I had 67 different ppl view my site. (Don't worry it doesn't tell me who you are. It's just a counter.) Yesterday I had 61 ppl view the site. Between these 3 days I also had 69 ppl "like" the post about me breaking into my house and hurting myself.
My point of this post is: Thank you all for visiting. For someone just starting out 67 ppl is AMAZING!!! (Especially since I took a month off to move and have only been doing this for 3 months.) It may not seem like many ppl, but to me it's super-awsome! Hopefully those of you who tuned in that day got a good laugh out of my antics. If my falling through a window put a smile on the faces of any of the ppl who "liked" it, then it was worth it!!!
I just wanted to say thank-you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can continue to keep you entertained.
Oops..ok, so the 69 "likes" was not for me falling through a window, it was on the post about me knifing the moving companies. But, the thought is the same. If my knifing moving companies who call all the time helps someone laugh when they came to see a post about depression I will knife them all!!! J?K, I'll knife a slect few.
I try to keep things light and humorous, but sometimes that is not possible. Depression affects us all at some point in our lives. Some of us more than others and it has once again reared its ugly head in me. Due to a closed-head injury, depression is something I struggle with on a regular basis. Often I am successful in digging my way out of my "funk." Sometimes I need help to come out of it. And sometimes there is nothing I can do but wait it out, go with the flow and hope nothing bad happens during the ride.
Part of my form of depression includes violent, explosive panic-attacks. NOT fun! (I have been to a therapist and sought treatment and learned how to cope.) If you have never experienced a panic-attack you can never FULLY understand. If you have never had a violent panic-attack you couldn't possibly know the amount of hurt, pain, fear and guilt that comes from physically (as well as mentally) hurting yourself and the ones you love from the loss of control. You can't understand the struggle someone deals with trying to stop themselves, and not being able to, while the struggle compounds the attack and makes it worse.
A lot of ppl are under the impression that depression means a person is sad, upset, mopey or "down in the dumps." Although that may be a sign for many, there are many forms of depression. Some ppl suffer with a smile on their faces.
There is physical (clinical) depression, where there is something physically wrong as well as mental depression. (I suffer from the former and therefore am quite responsive to medications, but choose to manage it through diet and exercise. This is a choice that was made after consulting with my doctor.) Some ppl deal with laughter, some with tears, some with anger, some with exercise. Everyone is different and deal with it in their own way. However, it is nothing to laugh AT. It is very real to each person and very serious.
If you know someone going through depression, please, please, PLEASE!!! be as understanding as possible. Be supportive of what these ppl need, even if what they need is to hurl insults. (I know this is not fair to the receiver, but sometimes ppl in depression can't help themselves. This is not an excuse, just an explanation.) Keep an eye on them to make sure they are safe. And above all else, whether you think they are listening or not, tell them how much you love and need them. Sometimes it makes all the difference. To many it is the support of others, as well as their words, that help someone through these dark times.
To all those who have helped me, and continue to do so, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Unless you have dealt with this, you will never know what you have done for me. I am so very lucky to have you for my friends and family. I can honestly say, I have one of the best support groups someone with depression can have. Because of that, you are all angels to me. (Even though you're all still my minions XD)
P.S. This is not my weekly post, just something I felt needed to get out.