So you have all see the commercials.  If you have used Lipitor and had a heart attack call our lawfirm.  If you have taken Viagra and had a hard-on that lasted for more than 4 hours, call us.  If you have taken Paxil and you or a loved one have tried to commit suicide, call us, we can help.

Honestly, I'm getting sick of these things.  And just yesterday I saw one that took the cake!  It was a class-action lawsuit commercial that said, "If you have taken" (I kid you not) "Tylonol, Ibuprofin, or Advil and have suffered side effects such as ulcers or damage to your stomach lining, call us.  We will go to work for you."

Sounds drastic, right?  I mean, ulcers?  Damage to the lining of your stomach?  NO FUCKING SHIT!  The problem I have with this is that these meds warn you about this...um...on the side of the bottle!!!  I saw a commercial that asked ppl to call if they took birth control and suffered from blood clots or stroke.  Isn't that one of the first things we are told when we start taking these?  If not from the doc prescibing them then from the pharmacist.  I was told.  And in addition I was given a sheet from CVS, in addition to the info slip that came with every script, that very clearly said these were possible side effects.

THEN, I saw a commercial that said, I shit you not, "If you have taken Vicodine, Darvacet, Oxycoidone, or Percocet, and have suffered from addiction, call our law office."  Really?  Painkillers cause dependancy?  When did that happen?  Oh, wait, a long fucking time ago!  For those of us old enough to remember, back in like the 80's or 90's we all learned that Stievie Nicks got hooked on Vicodine.  I myself have a running script with my doc (due to my migraines) for vicodine.  One of the FIRST things he went over with me was the fact that they were extremely addictive.  And we all know that Oxy is just heroin in pill form.  Ok, we don't all know that Percocet is just a derivitive of Oxy, but everyone knows it's addictive.

What's got my feathers all ruffled is this...I don't think that you should be able to sue drug companies for something they warned you about.  Whether you were warned by the doc, the info sheet or by reading the side of the bottle, you knew.  And they knew you knew when the FDA made them include a list of possible side effects.  Now don't get me wrong, if you suffer a side effect not listed that fucks you up, then sure.  Sue em.  You didn't know what you were getting into.  But addiction to painkillers?  Liver problems from Ibuprofin?  Duh!

I just think that these law offices are going a LOT overboard when they start sueing the makers of Tylonol.  Tylonol has been around since 1953.  I think if the company should be sued, it would have happened by now.  But since we live in a sue happy world, now the lawyers are trying to cash in on it.  I agree that there is a increase in perscription drug use, but when you start going after something that is sold over-the-counter that anyone can buy, you're pushing it.  It is obviously safe enough to not need a script.  Right now I have a bottle of asprin and a bottle of ibuprofin sitting next to me.  They both have all the possible side effects listed that the commercial was siting as reason to sue.

Lawyers, stop already!  It's gotten out of control.  Sue a drug company because you took Amoxicillin and your baby was born with 3 eyes.  Or because you took Xanax and it made you vomit blood.  Hell, I'm even cool with sueing Tylonol...if it makes your skin fall off.  Until those things happen, stop with the lawsuits.  Or at least stop with the commercials.  I'm afraid for the life of my T.V.  I may have to kick the screen out next time I see a

When I was younger, my Gram used to knit me slippers.  I L-O-V-E-D them!  When I would start to grow out of the pair I was wearing I would call her up and the next day I would have a new, bigger pair the next day.  Gram taught me how to knit, but I never did get the hang of knitting with round needles.  I know how, put because of the way I hold my needles it's pretty much impossible for me to do.  Now my arthritis is bad enough that I have all but given up on knitting.  But due to these handy dandy handles I have picked up crochet.  Over the years I have tried and tried to make slippers by looking up patterns and trying to make them.  Baby booties seem to be no problem, but when it comes to my own foot...AHHHHH!!!  I just want a pair of yarn slipper to reclaim that old feeling of Gram's Slippers.  Every time I try though, either I misunderstand the instructions, They don't come out to be the right size, or I just fuck it up to the point of not knowing what I did wrong.

So I made my own pattern. 

This was not an easy thing.  I toook quite a bit of trial and error...but, I got it!  At least for my foot.  But I realized something while I was making this pattern.  My OCD is a bitch and makes projects take a lot longer than necessary.

So, I am going to share my pattern with you all.  For those of you that crochet, it should be easy enough to follow.  For those of you who don't crochet, well, you won't understand a bit of it.  But I am going to include some special instructions for those of you suffering with OCD.

So here they are:

Slippers

These instructions are for a slipper to fit a size 6-7.

I used yarn that is worsted weight 3 (light) and a size G(6) crochet hook.  I used Red Heart TLC Baby Neapolitan.

Things you will need:  yarn, hook, stitch marker (if you wish to use one) and a yarn needle
Extra things for OCD ppl: Paper and a pen or row/stitch counter

Ch 2's will NOT count as stitch.  They are just there to move on to the next row.

1) Ch 15
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Use pen and paper and write numbers 1-41 on it.  This will be used to keep track and cross off rows as they are finished.  You know you will be to busy counting stitches to keep track of rows.  (You can use a row counter instead if you want.  Ch over and over until each ch is uniform and exactly the same size.  Do not stop until this is accomplished.

2) Row 1: hdc in 3rd ch from hook; hdc in next 11 ch; 7 hdc in next ch; (Working on underside) hdc in next 11 ch; 5 hdc in last ch; slst to first st. (36)

Non-ODC: Move on to step 3.
OCDers:  Wrack your brain trying to figure out how this is possibly the best way to go when you have 7 st in one side and 5 in the other.  Contimplate putting 6 in each side insdeat because that would make it even and settle your brain.  Try to let it go and move on to the next step.  Trust me here.

3) Row 2: Ch 2; turn; 1 hdc in each st around; slst in first st. (36)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
ODC:  Count and re-count your stitches to make sure you have 36.  I suggest doing this 3 times.

4) Row 3: Ch2; turn; 1 hdc in first 14 st; 2 hdc in next st; 1 hdc in each of next 2 st; 2 hdc in next st; 1 hdc in next 14 st; 2 hdc in next st; 1 hdc in next 2 st; 2 hdc in last st; slst in first st. (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Give up trying to figure out is 6 stitches in each ch (from step 2) is the best way to go and be happy you are at an even 40 st.  Re-count 3 times.

5) Row 4-21: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each st around; slst in first st. (These rows will be worked to make rounds.) (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Count and re-count st.  Go back every now and then and re-count rows.  Just to be sure.  (read: becuse you can't help yourself.)

6) Row 22: Ch 1 (don't turn); on inside of work, slst in next 9 st; Ch 2; turn; hdc in each st around.  Do NOT slst at end of row.  Last st will be in same st as last (9th) inside slst. (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: FREAK the hell out because you slst in 9 st and not an even 10.  When you finish all 40 sts, freak out again because it doesn't look like you ended row in the middle of the work.  Take deep breaths until you calm down.  Trust me here.  I'm the one who came up with this pattern.  It will all work out.

7) Rows 23-37: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each st. Do not slst at end of each row.  (These rows will be worked back and forth to make a "flat" piece.)  (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Continue to count and re-count sts/rows because it just doesn't look right when you get to a certain st/row number.  Have a drink to help calm down about stopping on an odd row number.

8) Row 38: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each of first 12 st; s2tog in next 16 st (8s2tog); hdc in each of last 12 st.  (32)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Calm down, this will form the heel of the slipper.  And look, it's still even sts. 

9) Row 39: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each of first 12 st; s2tog in next 8 st (4 s2tog); hdc in each of last 12 st. (28)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Go back to counting and re-counting your stitches because you now keep "losing" st from the work folding on you.  Pop a Xanax.

10) Row 40: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each of first 12 st; s2tog in next 4 st (2s2tog); hdc in each of last 12 st. (26)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Wrack your brain trying to figure out if this will actually work to make a heel.  Try slipper on before it's finished to help convince yourself that it will fit once completed.  Wait for Xanax to kick in.

11) Row 41: Ch 2; turn; hdc in each of first 12 st; s2tog in next 2 st (1 s2tog); hdc in each of last 12 st.  Pull loop on hook so it is large and remove hook.  Do not fasten off, you will pick this loop up again later.  (26)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Realize all your freaking out was for nothing because now you can see how the heel is formed.  Instead freak out because you ended on an odd numbered row.  Go take a nap and come back to it later.

12) Turn heel inside-out.  Working on the inside of the heel, fasten a long, spare piece of yarn to st #13.
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Count and re-count stitches to make sure you have the right stitch and that it is, in fact, in the middle of the work.

13) Working on the inside of the heel, and using a yarn needle, lace spare yarn to top of slipper (including st that will be completed with long loop) and tie ends together.  Trim ends of lacing yarn and sew into slipper or st over them in next step.
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Make sure you pull both ends of yarn evenly so that there is no puckering or scrunching.  Then spend half an hour trying to decide whether you want to sew in ends or stitch over them.  Weigh the pros and cons of each, make a list if you need to, to figure out which way will make the perfect slipper.

14) Pull long loop to shorten and pick up with hook.
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Make sure loop is the proper size and the same as every other loop that has been made so far.  Pull and re-pull until you are satisfied with loop size.

15)  Ch 2; starting on inside of "foot hole" hdc 40 st around opening of slipper; slst to first st.  (You will be working in "rounds" again.) (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD: Make sure that your first 20 st end in the exact middle of opening.  Pull stitces out and re do until you get it to the middle with 20 st.  Pray that the next 20 will end you where you started.  Cry when it doesn't.  Go back to begining of step and do all over again until you get it "right."

16) Ch 2; turn; hdc in each st around;slst to first st.  Repeat until you reach desired cuff length.  fasten off and sew in end. (40)
Non-OCD: Move on to next step.
OCD:  Look at finished product and frog the whole thing when you realize you have been so worried about stitch count that you didn't pay attention to your tention the whole time and 2 st back in row 18 aren't the same exact size.  Take another Xanax and try again tomorrow.

Note:  Depending on the size and length of your foot, you may need to add/decrase number of rows in steps 5 and/or 7.  Remember to make necessary adjustments to steps 15 and 16 if you do.  And don't forget to make 2 of these.  (I really wish I didn't have to write that last sentence, but we all know I had to.)

If anyone has any questions about these instructions or any adjustments feel free to contact me by email, in the comments section or on Facebook.  I will be happy to assist or clarify anything I can.

So over the week I had a few ideas for post.  I even had a couple written in my head.  The problem is, I didn't write them down.  I wasn't at home when I had the ideas.  And I have a bad memory.  A REALLY bad memory.

At one time, after I seperated from my ex husband, I had post-it notes all over my apartment.  I had notes on the back of my front door to remind me to send my daughters lunch to school with her.  I had notes on the cupboards to remind me of my work schedule.  The note my mom always got a kick out of, that never came down, was on the wall, directly across from my toilet, reminding me to turn on my coffee maker.  (Hey, I always forgot to turn the thing on and the first thing I do in the morning is pee.  It made sense to me.  After I hung that note up, I never forgot again.  Now I have a coffee maker with a timer and I just forget to load the thing.)

So anyway, my memory is horrible.  And I can't remember what the posts were.  I do remember that they were really good.  And funny.  And would win me a Pulitzer.  Ok, maybe I'm exagerating.  A little.  So instead I am going to tell you a story that I DO remember from when I was in the 4th grade. 

Have you ever wondered where things go when they are lost?  How one minute you can have something in your hand and the next minute it's gone?  I have your answer.

You see, aliens exist.  They do.  And one of them lives on the rings of Saturn.  From time to time, he comes down from those rings and visits different planets.  But he likes to take home souveniers.  He takes them home with him and puts them on the rings.  Like a shelf.  The problem is...he likes YOUR things for souveniers.  So when you loose something, you aren't going to find it.  The Saturn-alien has it.  Your car keeys are sitting on the shelf-like rings of Saturn.  Your kids pacifier is there too.  Along with about 4,999,567 single socks.

But don't loose hope.  The Saturn-alien like to travel.  A lot.  So the rings are very cluttered and there is only so much room for the stuff that has you going out of your mind and looking in the freezer for something that wouldn't possibly be there.  At some point in time, as the alien adds more loot to the rings, they become over filled.  That's when things fall off.  Most of the stuff makes it back ok.  Some stuff is lost forever.  But when you find a fork in your garden, or, in my case, your favorite eyeliner that has been missing for months, it is because the rings got over filled again, and the stuff fell off.

There you go.  That's my story.  So I hope this story makes all of you feel better when YOU can't remember where you put something.  You put it right where you thought you did.  That pesky Saturn-alien just came down and stole it.  Wait a while.  It might show up when the rings get overfilled.

You're welcome.  (Now stop looking in your tub for your cellphone.)

Ok, so I really tried to make it back here in time.  However, I slept through yesterday.  I blame the weather that has had me a crapped up lately.  We had storms go through yesterday and I'm pretty sure that troll hides in my brain to avoid the weather cause he's afraid of rain.

But I wanted to come back because there is something I actually did want to talk about.

As many of you know, it's that time of year again.  No, not Christmas (although I'm sure that will be next week.  Or at least feel like it).  No, I'm talking about American Idol time.

Yes, Minions, I have to admit, I'm an American Idol watcher.  Actually, I watch QUITE a few reality, ilimination shows.  Especially anything on VH1.  I don't know why.  It's a sickness really.

Anyway, I watch American Idol.  And I'm pretty sure it's for this reason.  Because I get to sit at home (I'm always down with that) and do something that is usually frowned upon.  Judge.  I get to sit back and watch the train wrecks week after week.  We are often told not to judge ppl, and for the most part, I really try not to.  But we all do it.  American Idol allows us to not only do it, but then we get to voice that judgement by way of voting!  Hell's yeah!

Sing like an angel?  Get the vote.  Have a great performance?  Get the vote.  Really like your outfit?  Get the vote.  Ok, that last one might only apply to the girls.

Forgot the lyrics?  Not getting the vote.  Off key?  Not getting the vote.  Slaughtered that song I really really like?  Not getting the vote.  Sang yet another song by Adele?  NOT getting the vote.

Don't get me wrong, I L-O-V-E Adele, but I am tired of week after week of ppl killing her songs AND hearing them over and over.  Last Wed 2 girls sang the SAME Adele song for crying out loud!  I understand she is popular and "in" right now, but please stop contestants!  This is why I can't wait until they have to start singing what they are given to sing to follow the weeks themes, although I'm sure someone will sneek a Adele song in there.

And don't think for one minute that I think I could do a better job.  Although I would have no problems getting up in front of the crowd and belting one out (for some reason I do worse with small groups so I would blow it in the audition) these ppl can sing circles around me.  Ok, some of them.  I think I'm better than the Micheal Bolton lookin kid.  He's just awful and I'm seriously upset that Adam Brock got sent home and that kid didn't.

Which brings me to the next part.

I know I'm not the only one who sits at home and plays "What are they smoking?"  while watching.  You know you do it too.  It's that part of the show where a contestant does a particularly awful performance and the judges praise them and blow so much smoke up their ass you can't help but wonder what they are smoking.  Like, did they just watch the same thing I did?  Are they kidding?  WTF?!?!  Now I understand that, as Ellen Degeneres explained, that it sounds different in the theater than it does on T.V.  Having an understanding of acoustics and how that effects things (from my musician daddy) I understand that.  But c'mon!!!  There are just some performances that you KNOW would sound awful to you, even if you were there live.  And, by the way, they need to bring Ellen back as a judge.  I'm fine with J-Lo and Stephen Tylor, but Ellen was THE SHIT on American Idol.

So, come this Tues., I will be sitting in front of my T.V., getting away with judging ppl, and voting on it, all while thinking that the judges have doped up before going on and voting for the contestants that knock it out of the park.  By my standards, that is.