Me: My back hurts.DJ: Yeah?Me: Yeah. I need pants with butt-rubber.DJ: With WHAT?!?Me: Butt-rubber.DJ: What's that?Me: They are pants. With rubber on the butt.DJ: Rubber on the butt?Me: Yeah. You know, like the stuff you put under the floor mat so it doesn't slide across the floor. Only on the butt of a pair of pants.DJ: What is your butt sliding on that you need that?Me: The sheets.DJ: *Cocks an eyebrow*Me: Most of the time I'm under my desk...tray...workstation before i realize I slid down. If I had pants with Butt-rubber I wouldn't slide and then my back wouldn't hurt.Makes sense to me. Of course, that might just be the problem.
Me: We need to talk.
DJ: Oh yeah? What about?
Me: Your addiction.
DJ: The video games again?
Me: I was talking about you breathing all the time, but, sure, we can go with video games.
DJ: Well, I can't stop breathing. I kinda NEED to breathe.
Me: That's exactly what an addict would say.
DJ: *Sucks in a big lung-full of air.*
Me: You know, you wouldn't snore if you gave up the breathing.
DJ: Yeah, but then I would be dead.
Me: But you wouldn't snore. Really it's a win-win situation.
DJ: How? If I don't breath I would be DEAD.
Me: Yeah, but I wouldn't have to hear your snoring and you wouldn't be addicted anymore. Do you smells popcorn?
DJ: * Coughs, eyes water* I smell your ass.
Me: If you gave up your breathing addiction that wouldn't be a problem.
This was actually written during the summer and never posted. Since I am still down and out today and can't sit upright at the pc to write out a post, you all get this.
So on Monday a series of thunderstorms ripped through Michigan. Because I am originally from there, I have a lot of "Friends" in the state on my Facebook. In a matter of 10 minutes, not less than 53 posts were made by various ppl that the power was out. (Yes I actually counted them.) This is the post that I put up as response.
Sonja Rois: No offense to anyone, but I am finding it a bit humorous how everyone in MI is posting about how their power is off yet they are still posting to Facebook. Maybe it's God's way of trying to remind you how to spend time away from the technology in case there comes a day when you don't have it instead of giving 1,000 ppl a reason to post, "Power's out." Either that or the aliens have landed and are getting ready to take over. You know, whatever. LOL
So almost immediately after my post went up, my wonderful, sarcastic friends engaged in this (This is not the entire convo but defiantly the best part:
Friend 1's Status Update: Power keeps going off, just long enough to screw up the clocks, and the internet......
Sonja Rois: Dear Nina, You have figured us out. We have decided to invade and used the guise of a thunderstorm to do it. If we disable your internet you have no way to let others know of our dasterly plan. Also by taking out your clocks, you have no way of telling what time it is and therefore are more confused when we sweep in to take over your planet. Please keep this to yourself for as long as possible, seeing as how we are not scheduled to take over Florida until tomorrow.Thanks for your cooperation,The aliens, from Pluto, the PLANET
Friend 2: Mine too and this is the first time with Uverse...when the battery backup kicked in it scared me...had no idea what was beeping!! lol
Friend 2: Thank goodness Sonja...I thought it was the zombies!!! phew!!!
Sonja:Oh no, zombies are not scheduled until 2014. They are the second wave.
Friend 2: Hmmm will there be anyone left?
Friend 1: I do have one atomic battery-operated clock, and I believe the alarm clocks upstairs have battery back-up, but where I am, I usually use the microwave or stove clock. BUT...the internet....yeah...then I have to get up and do something!!!
Sonja: Doubtful. The Plutonians are P.O.ed that we bullied them out of the solar system. I hear tell if the zombies don't work that they have already begun building a death-star. And we all know how that worked out for Allderan.
Friend 1: DON"T START ON PLUTO.........
Sonja: It took you 7 comments to say something?!? I'm disappointed. LMAO.
Friend 1: Hahahahahaha....
Friend 2: Hahahahahhahahaha snort snort....hehehehe
Friend of a friend: too funny ladies..;)
Friend 2: We do like to have our fun...
Friend 2: Some days it just flows...like Sonja making friends with a bear today...lol...I take it the garage is not an attached one??? (The bear decided to poke its head into my garage WHILE I was sitting there.)
Sonja: Yeah it's attached.
Friend of a fiend: Fun gets you through Life..enjoy and keep having fun..;)
Sonja: And his NAME is McButterfur, thankyouverymuch! LOL
Friend 2: Feel free to jump in anytime Kim... :)
Kim: :0 its more fun reading right now...;)
Kathy: Okay fine I forgot...to many letters...McButterfur...so how fast did you change your underwear?
Sonja: Oh it took a few minutes, I had to come out of my shock and stupor and then relearn how to breath and get my heart back down in my chest where it belongs.
Sonja: It's ok though, I made DJ do the laundry. XD
Yep, sarcasm, aliens, zombies, bears and shitting your pants. Goddess, I love my friends! ;D
Me: Don't try anything with me while I'm sleeping.
DJ: I already know that.
Me: Oh, and don't let Satan rape me.
Me: Don't let Satan rape me AND don't let him impregnate me with demon spawn.
DJ: I'll make sure.
Me: I have enough belly pain without the spawn of Satan's horns poking me from the inside.
DJ: Yeah, I bet that would hurt.
Me: Although...I bet he would eat the goblin. (For those of you who don't know, I'm convinced a goblin lives in my belly and is trying to tear my guts out with a hook. At least, that's what it feels like.)
DJ: He probably would, but I doubt it would be worth it.
Me: Yeah, even if the demon spawn ate the goblin, he would probably get my intestines wrapped around his horns AND poke me with them.
Me: Ok, so, yeah. No demon spawn. Although...He probably doesn't even have horns at that stage. They are probably still just nubs so they wouldn't really poke and there would be nothing there to get wrapped around my intestines. AND the goblin would get eaten.
DJ: Still probably not worth it.
Me: Oh and if angry witches are coming to get me, don't just hand me over to them.
Me: Well, if witches are coming to get me it's probably just Lizzy and Val, but if they are angry, don't give me up.
Me: So, bottom line, don't hand me over to get raped by Satan and get impregnated with demon spawn so angry witches want to come after me.
DJ: Right. Got it.
Yep, this is what happens when I watch Rosemary's Baby with DJ.
Me: You matched my socks wrong again.
DJ: Did I? I matched 'em Hanes to Hanes.
Me: No, you did it wrong. Well, you got one pair right cause they are the only long pair I wore all week. Oh! Wait you matched 2 pair right.
DJ: How am I supposed to match 'em again? Sock to sock?
Me: No, dot to no dot.
DJ: Oh, yeah. I for got you have Indian socks.
Me: ... (I was going to say something back at him, but then it hit me what he meant by Indian socks and I couldn't help but laugh my butt off.)
DJ: Next thing you know, you're socks will get jobs at Dell. *fake Indian accect* Hello, my name is being Mr. Hanes. How may I direct you call?
Me: ...(I had to sit down. I was too busy laughing to respond.)
Because Lil Miss wears the same socks as I do, some of my socks have a black dot on the toe so I know which are mine. Just Friday night I was telling DJ how nice it was having someone around who is silly with me and sometimes sillier. It's kinda nice having someone around who makes me say, "I never met that person." (This convo was after he tried to order 20 chicken vaginas at the Taco Bell drive-through.) The above convo is yet another one of these examples. You rock with your wacky self, DJ!!!
Sorry for the late post. I was busy having a life. HHAHA! Ok, I don't really have a life. Not much. Shut up! I was visiting DJ's mom and eating burgers. And I'm not gonna apologize for it. Not when ground beef or Slurpees are involved. And we got a Slurpee on the way home. :P So anyway, today I'm gonna share another convo that I forgot I had written down. Hope you enjoy and I will be back with a regular post tomorrow.
Me: Will you go pee for me?
Me: P-L-E-A-S-E!!! I don't ask for much.
DJ: I can't.
Me: If you really loved me you would.
DJ: I CAN'T.
Me: Lil Miss at least tried.
DJ: I'm not going pee for you.
Me: *huffs* FINE!!! I'll do it myself!
Lil Miss did actually try to do it for me. Maybe because she's still young and believes in magic and fairies...I don't know, but at least she tried. And who hasn't made this request of someone? Just learn how to osmosis your urine into someone else so you can be lazy and not have to get up because that would involve moving. I really don't think it's too much to ask. Apparently someone does.
So a couple of days ago I shared a convo with my mom about how she caught a 'possum under her house and thought there was a mate. Read it here. I woke up yesterday to these texts:
Mom: Dinner against tonight, you one your way?
Mom: Dinner again, not against (yeah that cleared things up, Mom)
Mom: Love waking to critters, feels like "Up-North"
Me: Is that the mate?
Mom: I think so
Me: So now that you got 2, what you gonna make instead of stew? 'Possum loaf?
Mom: A pair of matching slippers.
The scarry thing? I can see her wearing opossum slippers.
This is the text conversation that started upon my waking up yesterday morning (great way to wake up)...
Mom: Went hunting under my house last night, look what I caught.
Me: Oh my God that's gross! Good thing you caught it before it got ahold of Sissy. (Sissy is my mom's cocker spaniel) How did you know to look for it?
Mom: It has been living in my cold air return of the duct work under the house. Had to reset the trap. I think there is a mate.
Me: Uh oh. Well, good luck.
Mom: Want to come to dinner for some good stew? Meat is free.
Me: Eww! Lol you couldn't get me to eat that disease carrier. lol
Mom: Oh come on now, he is trailer park raised. Cleanest creature of the land.
Me: Lol I don't think so. Call me when you get some 'coon and we'll talk.
Mom: Okay, maybe next season.
Me: Trailer park raised. Is that like free range in hillbilly speak?
See here's the thing about Mom...She is deffinately a city girl. However she picked up some hillbilly somewhere along the way. I mean real actuall hillbilly.
I remember one time in elementary school the kids on my street and I went to the bus stop one morning to find a opossum that had been hit by a car. This particular critter, understandably, was just hissing and spitting at all of us. Reall if I had been hit by a car I would too. Who could blame it? But I ran home real quick and got my mom. The woman didn't even blink an eye. She went into her room, grabbed her pistol, walked down to the bus stop and, without even a moments hesitation, shot the thing square in the head. After picking it up, by the tail, and turning to go home, she threw over her shoulder, "Now go to school!"
This is the same woman who has made squirrel and rabbit stew out of the neighborhood critters because, well, as stated above, free meat.
Yep my mom is deffinately the one who would see a opossum and first thought be, "Hey! we should make stew" and come up with trailer park raised. And, yes, she does in fact live in a trailer park. Same one I used to live in. Every good hillbilly has to live in a trailer and eat opossum. Right?!?!
Me: If we move out, when we get a house, can we put a guard shack at the end of the driveway and make Lil Miss man it to earn her keep for the summers?
DJ: *Looks at me incredulously* What?!?
Me: Think about it. She could stop anyone trying to pull into our driveway.
Me: C'mon. Wouldn't you feel important with a guard shack at the end of your driveway?
Me: I would. No one else in the neighborhood would have their own personal security guard. As long as you forget about the child labor laws.
DJ: *head in hand* There's something wrong with your mind.
You know, it took him long enough to figure it out. I'm pretty sure he knew, years ago, that my brain doesn't function normally, but he finally voiced it as fact. lol XD
So sitting next to DJ while he's playing Final Fantasy 6,000 I hear:
DJ: What?!? You didn't tell me I have to talk to that tree.
God I hope he was talking to the game and not me. Cause I have a tree picked out for him to talk to.