T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. (Cause mices are disgusting, filthy creatures and I’ll have none of them in my house!)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.  (Kids these days.  Wanting something just cause they hung up dirty socks.  PFT!)


The children were nestled all snug in their beds, (cause it was already in the a.m.  Where else would they be?)
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads. (WTF is a sugar plum?  I’ve never seen one.)
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap. (I actually knew a guy once who also slept in his hat.  Weirdo.)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.  (And grabbed my 9mm along the way cause it sounded like someone trying to break in.)
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.  (My window has shutters!!!)


The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow (The snow has boobies.  Hehe.  Yep, had to go there.)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. (Yeah, someone’s trying to break in and I got distracted by snow.  ADD anyone?!?!  Thank goodness Florida doesn’t have snow so I can concentrate on the home invasion.)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer. (I was expecting a get-away car, but seeing how it snowed I guess a sleigh will work.  What kinda robbers are these anyway?)



With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.  (The fat bastard scared me half to death!  I would also like to note that whoever origanally wrote this contradicted himself when calling St. Nick a "little" driver and then refering to him as fat ater one.  Which was it?  Make up your mind!)
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name! (After the near heart-attack, I called them a few names too, but not the same as Santa.)

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen! (Apparently the night was clear and Rudolph wasn’t
needed.)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" (This was code for “Drive around the corner and keep it running!")


As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. (Um…what?!?!  Doesn’t this mean they hit something?Better not be my car!)
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too. (They thought
the roof was the way to go?  You ever been on a roof after it’s snowed?  What they don’t tell you is how they all slid off back to the ground.)

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.  (They are killing my shingles.  I’m sending Santa a bill to have it fixed.  Or asking for it for Christmas.  Not sure.  Still pissed about the scare.)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound. (Which was quite an accomplishment for someone as big as this dude.  My chimney’s not that big.)

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. (That's what he gets gor using the chimney.  Maybe he’ll use the door next time. Take that Santa!)
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack. (Peddler = hobo)

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!  (I’m pretty sure Santa is a drunk. They usually have bright red noses and cheeks.  Plus the smell of rum gave him away.  Might be why he parked on the roof.  Mystery
solved!)
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.  (For Christmas I’m getting Santa a beard trimmer.)

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. (So he’s a drunk AND a stoner?!?! WTH Santa!!!)
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!  (That must be from all the munchies he gets.)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!  (You wouldda laughed to seeing the way he stumbled out of that chimney.  Really, Santa, lay off the sauce.)
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.  (Plus I still had the gun in my hand.  Security in the form of 9mm does wonders for fear.)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. (Now Santa is having
spasms?  AND he put his hands in those dirty socks?  Gross, Santa.  Just gross!)
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!  (First the pipe, then the nose? 
So he’s a pot-head and a coke-head?  This just keeps getting better and better.  Maybe that’s why Coca-cola used his image all these years. We all know how Coca-cola got its start. Makes sense to me.)

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.  (I think they mean they were all very lightly weighted, but I don’t see how with the “bowl full of jelly” riding shot-gun.)
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"  (And Santa yelling like a high, drunken mad-man down the streets, waking all the neighbors is how he ended up in the pokey Christmas night.  Happy Christmas yourself, Santa.  Maybe next year you’ll practice sober, reindeer/sleigh driving.  Then you won’t end up on roof tops and having guns drawn on you!)


On a serious note…no matter where you are or what your belief, have a very Happy Holiday of your choosing!
(I would also like to note that I decided to do this revision and post it BEFORE I knew it would be posted on...the night before Christmas!  It just kinda worked out that way.  YAY for me!)  I hope you all have a wonderful (and safe) day!  And don't get hit by any drunken sleigh drivers on your way to your family dinners!


 


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