I would like to talk today about something that effects us all at some point in time.  You have all seen it.  Wether it was on T.V., at the beach, or walking down the street.  t could be the guy (or girl) next door, your boss, or even...gasp...you! 

I'm talking about back hair ppl!!!

Now I understand this is a natural efliction that a person can't control.  Some ppl are just born to be covered in gorilla hair.  I do actually get how genetics work and understand that it's in a person's DNA.  But c'mon ppl!  There are things that can be done to help keep the gag factor of the world to a minimum.

I would like to stop for a moment and explain what got me on this topic.  (DJ's gonna kill me in the name of oversharing.)  DJ, the boyfriend, has back fur.  Not hair, FUR!  It's soft and downy and fun to rub my cheek on.  But I have dated guys with back HAIR.  And I never wanted to even think about rubbing my cheek on them.  Or being the back spoon.  Not an option.

Anyway, DJ and I were discussing what he does (shaving his collar line) and doesn't do (wearing sleeveless shirts) to keep this effliction to himself and save ppl having to buy stock in brain-bleach to get rid of bad images.  (Brain-bleach is my new thing, btw.)

It occurs to me that maybe these ppl don't know that they are efflicted.  I don't know HOW they wouldn't know there is a dead animal stuck to their back, but maybe that's the point.  It's on their back.  Maybe they can't see it.  (Benifit of the doubt ppl.)

I came up with a list of things to help you figure out if you should shave/wax your back.

1) If you wear a shirt and it doesn't touch your skin.

2) If you wear a wife-beater and the straps disappear in a forest.

3) If, while shirtless, children ask why you're being attacked by a dog.

4) You're Itallian.

5) All you hear at the beach are gagging sounds as you walk by.

6) Your wife (or husband.  Hey! It happens) wakes you, screaming, "There's a bear in the bed!"  Every.  Night.

7) Your significatnt other won't spoon you because it's too much like muff diving.  (Kinda want some of that brain-bleach now don't you?!?)

8) It's braidable.

9)

10)

With that out of the way, I would like to say, I love love LOVE chest hair!  And, if there is any, I'm ok with some belly hair.  But chest hair is where is where it's at.  As long as it doesn't crawl over your shoulders and cause your back to disappear.

I was trying to think of a list of 10 things, but got stuck at 8.  Maybe because I try NOT to look to hard at ppl's back hair.  So if you have any other ways to tell, feel free to share.  The only way we can put a stop to this is to bring it out into the open and spread awareness.

Oh yeah, and laser removal is also an option.
 
So now that I live in a house with 3 men (2 of which I share a bathroom with) I am having trouble remembering an important part of my bathroom-going.  Closing the door.

I know.  Disgusting!  But as any mom knows, it isn't until you are going to the bathroom that your cute, adorable, sweet, innocent little one needs to talk to you, isn't feeling good, wants a hug or just plain needs you NOW!!!  And no bathroom door in the world will keep them out.  You may be able to lock it, but even then they will stand on the other side and pound their fists on the door or yell at the top of their lungs until you can't even do what you went in there to do.  Didn't you know that if your pride and joy doesn't see you, as you're pinching one off, the world will implode?!?!

I gave up the battle of trying to go to the bathroom by myself a long time ago.

After living with Lil Miss for 11 years and not having to close the door, I just got into the bad habit of leaving it open.  Even when she wasn't home.  You can do that when you live alone.  Now it's a different story.  But I have seen them (the guys I share a bathroom with) leave the bathroom door open to pee.  I would retaliate, but for some reason it is more imbarassing (for them) if a girl is going potty than if one of the men is doing it.  Maybe they just got used to each other.  (*I would like to note that they do NOT normally leave the door open.  To be honest the only time it was left open was by DJ and only because I was standing in the doorway and he couldn't shut it.)

I will say that I did get to do one interesting potty-ing.  During New Year's Eve one of our party-goers was...well...revisiting his Jell-O shots/vodka soaked Gummy Bears in a violent way.  This made it imossible to go to the bathroom without sitting on his head.  Which would have drowned him.  Not that that is out of the question, but if I'm gonna kill someone by toilet bowl I want em puke free when I do it.  I mean taking someone out in that state is just class-less.

Seeing as how I am almost completely without modesty, I went into the backyard, took off everything from the waist down, sat on the ground and relived myself.  (I did have the forsight to bring t.p. out with me.  No pinecones for me.  And this is FL.  The pinecones here are the size of my head, so I am very proud of remembering t.p.) 

But this would have been SO much easier if I had an outtie instead of my innie.  Plus, if I had an outtie I could have just peed in the sink or tub of the bathroom the party-goer was in and possibly taught him a lesson in the benifits of holding one's liquer.

The lesson here:  Outties are easier to pee with and don't get dunk and puky at my house cause I will pee on your head and then murder you with a swirrly.  (Just kidding...maybe.)

Xtended:  Ok, so almost as soon as I posted this, I got this linkfrom my friend Backy for a Go Girl.  I HAVE to have one of these!!!  It its the solu
 
Is it just me or are there more zombies in the media lately?  I’m not necessarily complaining…ok, yes I am. 
But not really.  

I’m just getting a little sick of it is all.  They are in our movies, TV shows, books and (*gulp*) video games.  (Did I really need to battle zombie Hordes?!?  Really?  If you don’t know what the Horde are…Google ppl.)  Now zombies have always been in these forms, but the amount nowadays is overwhelming.
 
Needless to say, I have joined a few zombie survival groups on Facebook.  (A few of these are  Zombie Fighting Rednecks, Northwest Florida ZRT, Zombie Squad, Zombie Awareness International, Houston Zombie
Defense
, US Army Zombie Combat Command, & H.A.Z.A.R.D.  All of these are links to Facebook pages so go show them some lo) 
 
What The point of these groups is for, is to spread zombie awareness and share survival tips so when your neighbor comes calling to borrow a cup of brains you’ll know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a fair share of jokes, and other zombie related stuff going on, but it’s basically to bring to light what could happen during the zombie apocalypse and how to handle it.

Hey! The apocalypse could TOTALLY happen.  As a mild -to -moderate miso phobic (germ phobic) I think it is totally reasonable to think that some kid sticking his finger up his nose and then touching his mom could start this into motion.  Ever been sitting next to someone and have them sneeze on you?  You feel gross all over after, don’t you?  Because you could have just been infected with some mutant virus that will have you getting up in the middle of the night for a midnight snack of warm intestines, that’s why!  It could happen ppl!  Haven’t you all ever seen Outbreak?)

What I have learned from these sights is that preparing for the zombie apocalypse is a lot like preparing for a hurricane:  
 
You always want to have bottled water on hand.  
Hurricane: Power outs mean the sanitation plants go down and water isn’t being filtered. 
Zombie:  You don’t know if the virus is in the water system.

Do you have a generator? 
Hurricane:  Those power outs I mentioned. 
Zombies:  What? You think the power won’t go out during a zombie outbreak?

The best window coverings are sheet metal, but plywood can be used too.  Preferable bolted to the window.  Hurricane:  In case of flying debris. 
Zombie: Keeps the zombies from being able to get in through broken windows.  Your intact face will thank you for it.

Have a good supply of non-perishables on hand at all times. 
Hurricane:  In case the weather is so bad you can’t leave your home. 
Zombies:  zombies don’t stock the shelves at grocery stores.  Besides, you really wanna risk being bit for a box of Mac & Cheese? Wouldn’t happen If you already have it.

 Weapons.  Have some.  Fire arms are ok, but try to have some sort of knife or non-firearm type weapon also.  Hurricanes: Riots and/or savaging.  Have to protect yourselves.  Ok, this can actually be a lot like a zombie apocalypse. 
Zombies:  Your local arms dealer is probably a zombie because some unsuspecting infected jerkwad came into his/her store when the outbreak first happened. (See above about sneezing if you wonder how the arms dealer got it)  After the apocalypse happens, ammo will be in short supply.

Have a well-stocked first-aid kit. 
Hurricane: Accidents happen.  They will happen while you are trapped in your house by bad weather. 
Zombies: Ok, actually this one is pretty much the same as the hurricane reason.

I could keep going on, but I think you get the point.    So, please, do yourselves some research.  Even if you live in a place where hurricanes don’t affect you, look it up. Get learned ppl.  You can apply these things to tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, the ground opening up and swallowing you whole.  Ok, maybe not that last one.  It won’t hurt to be prepared.

So be rest assured ppl, when the hurricanes hit, I will be ready for it.  Or zombies.

I’m fucked if werewolves and vampires attack though.